Lore: Clementine's Journal

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Doc Norah said I should try writing down my thoughts to help work through my emotions, so here we go. Not sure how long I've even been here in Ward 13. The days just bleed together. It's kind of like sleepwalking without ever waking. Sounds harsh, but I can't help feeling that way. I know I'm doing a good thing, keeping the people here safe from the Root, but somehow I still feel...empty.[sic] Why can't I shake the feeling that I don't belong here and never will? I get so tired of pretending that I do. Maybe I feel like this because I've been away from Earth longer than I was ever here. Doesn't help that I'm well over a century old. How weird is that? Makes my head hurt to think about it. Only Ford really knows what it's like out there on other worlds, but he refuses to talk about it. I feel so alone.

One of our ranks wandered too far outside the Ward and the Root almost got them. Luckily Bo and I showed up just in time and I was able to save them. I should be satisfied. Another life saved. Why can't that be enough? Something's wrong with me. My heart is numb, and I don't know why. The people here, they're not bad to me or anything, but in a lot of ways, I'm just a weapon to them. Just an anti-Root defense system. I know how desperate things are and how much they need me, but I can't help but resent it.

And then there's Bo... He's[sic] the opposite. Treats me like a piece of glass that could break at any moment. I know he means well. Maybe too well. But I can't help feeling like he thinks keeping me safe will somehow make up for not saving someone from his past. Maybe that's an awful thing to say. He really is a nice guy. Damn it all... Why[sic] is everything always so messed up?

I dreamt about you again, old friend. Suddenly I was back on Reisum. For that brief moment, I felt connected. Alive. Loved... When I woke up, my pillow was wet with tears. Luckily no one saw. I miss you so much. No one knows me like you. You're my best friend. You saved my life in so many ways. Why couldn't it last? Life was perfect until that Wanderer showed up and ruined everything!!

I mean...Okay,[sic] maybe "perfect" is an overstatement. We had our hands full keeping the Root at bay. And it was inevitable that I'd have to leave you one day. That whole time, I was hurting you. It breaks my heart to think about. The Wanderer made me face that truth that I couldn't stay, but ever since I left, there's been this fog over everything. I'm so lost. I don't know if anywhere will ever feel like home again. With you, I felt needed. Not for my powers, but for ME. If that makes sense? Anyway... I hope you're well, old friend. In my heart, I know you're better off without me. Guess that'll have to be enough.

I keep having strange dreams. They're of some surreal place that...almost[sic] feels like it's between dimensions or something. It keeps changing, shifting. I dunno. Hard to explain. And there's a voice. It keeps calling out to me. Telling me that I'm needed elsewhere. Between the dreams and this restless feeling I can't shake, it makes me wonder if I should leave. But to go where? To do what? We stopped the deadwood here on Earth, but they won't quit until everyone everywhere is dead and gone. They're still terrorizing other worlds, and here we are pretending everything's alright. Like all that matters is this little slice of peace we've found. But I've been to other worlds. I know there's more out there than just us. Can I keep ignoring this feeling telling me it's time to leave? God, now I sound like damned Ford. Shoot me.

Ford is a cagey bastard. I can't believe I used to sort of look up to him. Back then, I let myself buy into the idea that he's a living legend, but really he's just a man, as riddled with flaws as the rest of us. Maybe more so. He had a hand in destroying the world, and now all he does is run away. From his guilt, his responsibilities, the people he loves. Me. Himself. I swear, I'll never be like that. I want to run TO something, not away. Just need to figure out what I'm running to is all. Anyway, he received a weird package "from an old friend." Some drifter passed through and dropped it off for him. How the hell does anyone even send a package in this apocalyptic hell hole?! I don't trust him. He's planning something. Something big. I can feel it in my bones. Knowing him, he's probably going to cut and run again.

That's it. I can't just spin my wheels anymore. I'm going insane. Ford isn't the only one who can up and leave whenever he feels like it. First chance I get, I'm GONE.